Ha... okay, this is very weird.

GG* had phoned me.

I must be hallucinating.

Earlier in the day I was moaning and griping about what a moron he was. Okay, so I had a test and I was like, trying to focus... focus... and not think about him... but all the while, I was thinking about him, well, spiteful thoughts about how he's such a moron and he's a dimwit and he's just so stupid and I really have no idea what the hell we are and ...

You know, come to think of it, he probably just called to invite me to some dumbass party that his friends were throwing. And he's sick, for goodness sakes, why doesn't he just take a night to rest up or something? Stupid!

T'sigh. Well, it was nice that he had phoned, at least, although I was out.

It was funny, actually, because when I read the message, I couldn't believe it.

"Are you JOKING?" was the first thing out of my mouth. Aside from laughter, because I was like, This must be not true. This must be not true.

Then I asked the person who wrote the note. "Is this a joke?"

Them: No... they phoned.

Me: Oh..... *laughs again*

I called GG* back but he was apparently "out". Partying!!
posted by N. at 11:43 PM

More questions arise, in addition to the #1 question:

Why does he like me?
What does he want from me?

Ah, to make matters worse, a certain guy friend of mine has taken on this big brother sort of role, which is irritating. Now GG* is angry at him, and I'm annoyed at him, because he should just butt out and mind his own business. Although I like to bitch and complain about my troubles, I don't need this friend to come and save the day, thank you very much. In fact, his intentions speak more of: "This is the way that I'd treat Nikita if she was my girlfriend; your way is a dumbass way and everything you're doing to her is shitty. You're shitty! SMACK..."

Gauh.... and GG* is like... jealous or intimidated that I know so many guys and I'm on good terms with all of them. He seems to think that there's this underlying theme of "I want them, they want me" going on, when really.... for the majority of them.... I don't even think that way about them.... I'm like one of the guys.

I just let them walk all over me. When am I going to stand up for myself? When am I going to actually just pick myself up and let myself live my life? I feel like I'm just riding along and picking up the pieces of my former self that shattered a long time ago. Where is my focus? My drive? My ambition?

I feel like I'm drowning in a pool of laziness. What ever happened to my "let's get some work done" attitude?

What ever happened to me....

I miss the old me. The old me who even in her misery would be like, somewhat hopeful...... and very much driven to succeed.

I need to succeed. I am drowning, I am falling into this pithole of abyss in which I cannot seem to wake myself out of.

And yet, I'm attached to GG*.... although I don't call him very much anymore. He hates the phone, apparently, so I don't call him... I called him on Monday.... Hrm... 4 days..
Whatever.

In fact, I have a laissez-faire attitude about this whole thing now, I think it will benefit me in the long run (to deal with this relationship with this attitude).

At least, I hope so. Preventing heartache is very much my goal.
posted by N. at 11:42 PM

This boy is definitely difficult.

He gets underneath my skin.

The truth about how I feel?

Read:

[22:22 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: His issue: He feels insecure and inadequate
[22:22 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: You know what? I feel pretty insecure
[22:22 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: Which is why I freak out
[22:22 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: when things go wrong
[22:22 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: I don't WANT things to go wrong
[22:22 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: I want him to just...
[22:22 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: hold me.
[22:22 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: to look me in the eye and to say cheesy romantic things
[22:22 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: and then goof up and then I'll slap him and then it'll be funny again
[22:23 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: I want to tell him things.
[22:24 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: Things like...
[22:24 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: I dunno.
[22:24 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: Just things
[22:24 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: I want to talk about philosophy
[22:24 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: Religion
[22:24 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: Death
[22:24 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: Life
[22:24 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: Anything
[22:24 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: Everything
[22:25 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: sigh
[22:25 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: He's not that
[22:25 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: He likes cars
[22:25 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: And he keeps saying
[22:25 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: "I'm not what you're looking for"
[22:25 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: Then why does he like me?
[22:25 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: That's what I want to know.
[22:26 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: he believes in a God
[22:26 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: We talked a bit about religion
[22:26 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: and about death
[22:26 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: He's not Buddhist.
[22:26 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: He's like... no religion
[22:27 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: I don't want an artsy boy
[22:27 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: TB* was like, the artsy boy
[22:27 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: and look what happened!
[22:27 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: I want.... deep intellectual conversations
[22:27 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: YES
[22:28 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: I do...
[22:28 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: and yet he puts himself down
[22:28 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: he says, "I'm not that"
[22:28 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: And yet he has enough depth to realize this...
[22:29 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: Is this what GG* is saying to me?
[22:29 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: Because I think it is
[22:29 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: "You're out of my league"
[22:29 | May 17] oblivion (in your eyes)*: The thing is... I don't think I am
posted by N. at 11:49 PM

Augh, this boy is driving me crazy!

I swear I'm going to start birthing kittens!
posted by N. at 10:31 PM

uhm, so yeah, we kind of had this falling out bit yesterday, but it resolved itself today...

I felt like such a jerk yesterday... Somehow we started talking about one of my other guy friends being jealous of him, and then GG* just got this LOOK on his face..... I can't quite describe it, but I was like, Holy fuck, I made a really, really horrible mistake. "If I was jealous, I'd break up with you RIGHT NOW...."

And I was like, Break up with me? Are you kidding me? We're not even GOING OUT...

Ooooooh, the look on his face........!

And then he just stalked off, PISSED......................

Ahhhh, I was such a moron.

But then I also heard that it really, really bothered him because when one of our mutual friends kept trying to talk to him, he just kept saying, "I don't know, I'm an idiot."

Augh!

So then I apologized, apologized, apologized and kept insisting that I do want to be with him and I made such a fool out of myself.... but oh well. In the end, he finally said, "I believe you." And then I told him that I'd call him. And I did... to which he kind of was like, Can't we talk about this tomorrow? I have homework to do....

But things are better today... Although I was fretting about it for most of the day and finally talked to him at the END of the day... And yes.... we're going out now.

And 3 weeks ago, I was still dating TB*....
posted by N. at 8:47 PM

Hrm.

The comparison begins....

When I was going out with TB*, I wasn't really fluttery or nervous, I kind of expected us to naturally go out. I certainly don't remember agnoizing over every little detail (unless I did, and I just can't remember) that happened on our first date, or overanalyzing it to death.

And I am doing this right now....

Why, I ask myself? Is it because you like (GG*) him so much? Are you worried that it might not work? What are you worrying for? Are you worried that he might not think that you like him?

Unless you're worried about what he thinks about you.

And the lights flash, the crowd goes up in a roar!

I mean, there were several things ''wrong'' about our date.
One, he offered me the change. Two, he kept talking about those other chicks -- WHICH makes me think, Oh, so is he trying to make me jealous? Or is he really trying to say "You're second choice"? (I'm thinking way too much about this.)... Three, he got pulled over, but that was just funny. I couldn't help but think, this sounds like something out of those "mortifying first dates" things....
And if he was trying to impress me, it really didn't work.
Four, he kept talking/joking about sex.

The rest was okay. And we did have some ''serious'' (ok, so I was trying to be serious with him FOR THE MOST PART and he was joking around most of the time... when he was serious with me, it didn't really work) moments, but then I was too preoccupied in my own world (so to speak), as I really had to go to the bathroom... badly. (But how are you supposed to say that? "Oh, I need to go piss really bad! Find me a fucking washroom!") And plus, all of his joking around was starting to wear me down.... Auugh, this boy is so... difficult! I was just like, *rguh!* -- but I like him!

I'm thinking about him NOW, (obviously), I was thinking about him last night, I will probably continue thinking about him throughout the day (laughing at various things that happened...), augh, augh augh!

*grumble* He was teasing me in the car, at one point, saying, "You think I'm sexy...." And it was like, almost out of Miss Congenality, where Sandra Bullock says in a sing-song voice, "You want to kiss me, You want to love me.." Anyway, I just couldn't look at him because I didn't want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Jeezus! He started laughing and he was like, YOU DO, DON'T YOU? And I just kept staring out the window and said, I'm not going bother giving you an answer!

Later on he brought it up: "If you think I'm sexy, why don't you want to have sex with me? Eh? Eh? Isn't the reason why you find someone sexy is because you want to have sex with them?" *SIGH* I was like, Uhm, NO...
(and thinking) You don't negotiate sex on the first date, you dumbass!!

Ahhh... I can tell this is going to be a *great* (sarcasm) relationship..... Haha.... Well, I don't know, I can't predict that. Unless he suddenly morphs into a perfect gentleman (which I highly doubt)...

Serious moment.... Is he worth it? Is he worth all of the tolerance... the "training", so to speak? Is it my mission to 'educate' him on how to PROPERLY treat a date?

I really don't know, but god, I can't get his face out of my mind! I must be infatuated with him, or something...

I think he'll realize sooner rather than later that... I'm not going to hang around if he's not going to "shape up" -- which does mean, driving better, not being a jackass, and actually listening to me...

But will I wait? After what I've gone through with TB*...
I don't need another guy to "take advantage of me"/take me for granted and mistreat me.... Auuugh.

The dilemma!!!
posted by N. at 9:59 AM

Oh, right.....

And I forgot to mention that it was his birthday. (May 9th)
posted by N. at 12:09 AM

So, after a week of flirtations and so on, GG* and I "did something together"....

ie: we hung out. ie, we hung out, more importantly, *together*, and 'appreciated' each others company.

Blah, blah blah...

It was okay, I mean, I wasn't expecting like roses or anything really that fancy. OK -- so he bought us drinks,
we sat there, I talked about how this mutual friend of ours was trying to set us up..... Then I wanted to go to a park, and he ended up showing me the house that he used to live in "when he was poor"... And he was trying to tell me that this little quiet neighbourhood was like the slums of the city (on our side of the city). I was like, Not a chance.....

The *funniest* thing that happened was that he was trying to scare me in the car, generally driving like a jackass and got pulled over for speeding. He was so calm about it, I was like... this must have happened before. Which... it did. Then he told me how many accidents he was in and I was like... Oh... GG*.... Why can't you just drive better??? And then so when he was driving back to my house to drop me off, he was driving... safer. And slower.

Yeah... so it was okay, I learnt more about him... he didn't learn very much about me, he seemed to preoccupied to joke about having sex with me (then again, he could have been nervous -- which is often the case, nothing really gets accomplished when you're so nervous and etc...). Ah, AND he knows I like him....

And he knows that I know that he likes me. And I did get his number.

Augh, he is just so distracting, though! During my 2nd period spare, he was 'looking' for me... and I had to study for my test! Augh, I hope I don't bomb it.... And I pretty much bombed my biology tests, but whatever, I kind of forgot about those and it was my fault for not studying for them...

Sigh..... stupid boys.
posted by N. at 12:08 AM

I suppose I should have told you that I broke up with TB* on April 23rd.....

There were so many things that just weren't working out.

Examples:
-Melissa.
-Being late and disorganized -- ALWAYS. Forgetting to call.
-Re-gifting.
-His part in my life

In a way, it was a good experience. It has taught me a lot of things -- like you can't fake that you really like someone.... I always felt so false when we were together, towards the end. It was like, Why am I doing this again? Why am I putting in so much effort into this relationship and not getting much?

*sigh*

I was being bitter to all of my friends about my relationship. It's not like you can tell someone,"I don't want to be in this relationship because you're messy, disorganized, you always forget to call, and you gave me a gift for Christmas that you had been given by someone else, you went out with your ex-girlfriend and never mentioned to me that she had called you wanting to start something back up again (she called first and then you went to the art gallery with her), you took me for granted (you were being so greedy, and you never gave anything to me...), but despite all that, you are a good person and a friend, but you're a fucking lousy boyfriend."

Anyway, so I'm getting more and more hooked onto GG*... It's so bad. I can't help it -- I just want to sit and stare into his eyes, because they're just so beautiful, amazing, gorgeous eyes... I haven't seen such gorgeous eyes in a long, long time.

And he's so attractive.

And he's rich.

Not like those things should matter (okay, attractiveness matters, but being rich shouldn't). He has a nice car. He's well off.

Now all I have to do is just get his number....
posted by N. at 8:38 PM